The Worst Person in the World

When the research became personal..

It has been a long time since I wrote here.

So much has happened.

Enough, perhaps, for an entire lifetime.

Yet somehow, it all happened at once.

The highest highs.

The lowest lows.

If I had to describe the past months, I would probably draw the butterfly curve from my thesis.

Or maybe a Gaussian distribution.

Funny how I spent an entire year researching complexity, only to realize that my own life follows similar patterns.

Ups.

Downs.

Extreme moments.

The only difference is that this time, everything arrived simultaneously.

Have you watched The Worst Person in the World?

If you haven't, I recommend it.

It is one of those films that quietly stays with you.

It tells the story of someone trying to become herself while making mistakes, hurting people, changing directions, questioning everything, and never quite feeling like she has figured life out.

Lately, I have felt a little like her.

Not because I think I am the worst person in the world.

But because I have had to confront parts of myself that I had avoided for a long time.

Moments where I wasn't completely honest with myself.

Moments where I didn't know how to hold certain relationships.

Moments where I thought love alone would somehow solve everything.

It doesn't.

Life has a strange way of forcing you to look at yourself.

Not to punish you.

But to invite you to grow.

We spend so much of our lives collecting patterns from our families, our relationships, our fears, our experiences.

And then one day, something breaks.

Not because we are broken.

But because the pattern no longer fits the person we are trying to become.

That realization hurts.

But it is also strangely freeing.

Because awareness gives you a choice.

For the first time, you can decide to respond differently.

One thing I have realised is how much I need community.

My life has always been hectic.

New countries.

New apartments.

New jobs.

New projects.

Always moving.

Always chasing.

I have been lucky enough to meet incredible people everywhere I have lived.

And they are still there.

But I never stayed still long enough to let many of them become home.

Now I want something different.

I want deeper friendships.

More dinners.

More conversations that don't end because someone catches a flight.

Less running.

More belonging.

In the middle of all this chaos, something extraordinary also happened.

I finished my master's degree.

One year of research.

Months of writing.

Interviews.

Workshops.

Thousands of decisions.

And I graduated with the highest grade.

I was even offered a PhD at Politecnico di Milano.

I am incredibly proud of that.

Although, if I am honest, I still haven't really celebrated it.

I have spent so much of my life chasing the next thing that I sometimes forget to stop and acknowledge what I have already achieved.

Maybe celebrating is also a skill.

Maybe it deserves practice too.

Right now I am still in Milan.

Trying to fit three years of my life into three suitcases.

Trying to breathe in the city one last time before I leave.

Next comes Copenhagen for a couple of weeks.

Then my festival.

And after that...

I honestly don't know.

For once, that uncertainty doesn't terrify me.

It feels... peaceful.

Copenhagen still feels like home.

Milan still feels like home.

Somehow, I want both.

And somewhere between those two cities, I need to figure out what kind of life I want to build.

Is it a PhD?

Is it one of the hundreds of projects that have lived inside my head for years?

Maybe both.

Maybe neither.

I don't know yet.

I don't know what comes next.

and that's okay..

The past month challenged me.

It forced me to look at myself in a way I never had before.

And if I had to describe it to someone, I would probably just tell them to watch The Worst Person in the World.

Because for a little while...

I became the worst person in someone else's story.