No Filter, Just Me

You Probably Already Judge Me – And That’s Fine

Let’s Talk for Real

This blog is, first and foremost, for me. It’s where I’m learning to overcome the fear of sharing—and maybe, just maybe, encourage someone else to do the same.

I feel the need to defend my status and position. Not to anyone specific, really—maybe just to myself.

Right now, I want to open up. To write honestly, sometimes without a filter, about whatever is happening in my life in the moment.

And right now?

I’m dealing with chronic sleep anxiety.

It’s been a year now, and I think it’s reached its peak these past few days. Probably because of exam stress, financial instability, and the growing fear of “what’s next.”
Or maybe it’s just having too many future plans and not enough present peace.

There’s even a name for what I’m experiencing—sleep panic disorder, also known as nocturnal panic attacks. You can look it up, but here’s the short version:
It’s waking up in full-blown panic, right after falling asleep.

And I mean movie-scene-level panic—gasping for air, heart racing, fully convinced I’m having a heart attack.
It’s terrifying.

I try to calm myself down. I tell myself I’m safe. I remind myself that I’ve seen a cardiologist four times in the past ten months. I know my heart is okay—physically.

But my mind?
That takes longer to convince.

Sometimes I fall asleep again, only to wake up moments later in the same state of terror.

So I lie in bed, crying, trying to think of positive things. I usually only fall asleep when my body gives in from sheer exhaustion.

Last night, I had three episodes.
I finally fell asleep at 8 AM.

And tomorrow?

I have two important exams, plus a thesis meeting with my three supervisors—probably the last one before the summer break. I need to be mentally present, but that feels almost impossible.

I need to absorb. I need to perform. I need to make this meeting count so I can move forward confidently into summer.

This—right here—is what I mean when I say journaling. Sometimes I just want to write everything out.
Sometimes I’ll write about love stories.
Sometimes life experiences.
Sometimes specific topics I care about.
But always—truth.

I want the world to be more kind.
More inclusive.

We need to normalize panic attacks.
So many people experience them, but so few talk about it.

We’re ashamed. We’re scared.
Scared to be vulnerable in a world that tells us strength means silence.

But I don’t want to hide behind strength.
I want to be seen.

Sometimes I’m stupid.
Sometimes I’m arrogant.
Sometimes I’m kind.
Sometimes I’m naive.

All of that is me.

Yes, there are good periods too.
Times when my anxiety is manageable. When I sleep well, move my body, eat well, avoid alcohol, and live fully—with hobbies, connection, and joy.

That’s the version of me I’m always working toward.

But sometimes… I crash.

And I think that’s okay, too.

Did you know that Harvard’s longest-running study on happiness found that the most important factor for well-being—more than money, career success, sex, or anything else—is quality social relationships?

You can read about it here: Harvard Study on Adult Development

Our connections, our friendships—they are what make life worth it.
They’re what help us live longer, healthier, more meaningful lives.

We are social animals.
We are not meant to be alone.

But sometimes we are.

And in those moments, we need to be able to be with ourselves—without fear or shame.

Being alone doesn’t make you a loser.

Everyone is carrying something.
Everyone deserves to be listened to.

In a perfect world, we’d care for each other better.
But in this one, we still can. Even just a little.

With kindness, we can change what’s broken.
With openness and vulnerability, we can shift this fake, polished version of life we’re sold—into something real.
Something human.

And that’s what I want to do.
One post at a time.